As a born and raised Christian, you never think you will “lose” your faith, or “stray” from it. If you’re anything like me, you’re so confident in that belief, maybe you get scripture tattooed on your body forever; a tattoo devoted to the concept that your entire identity is in Christ alone. You think that’s so beautiful, that God loves you so much, he cast your sin out and died for you so that you could take on his holiness. That’s a message you both want to carry with you for the rest of your life and proclaim to the rest of the world! You truly believe that nothing good about you comes from you, but from him. It’s actually rather comforting, until it’s not.

Maybe, like me, you’ve always had questions, but you shove them down. You placate the need to understand with the idea that that’s exactly what faith is, to believe in things you don’t understand. Then, one day, you realize that if you truly believe God is all powerful, he won’t be afraid of your questions. If your belief in his omnipotence and in his perfect word is true, asking the hard questions will only lead you back to god because the truth will remain; truth won’t be disproven by examination, it will be made more clear. Truly, if your belief is so sound, what are you afraid of?

So, in my quest to believe more fervently, I went down a path I could never look back from.

The question that really did it for me was “what exactly do I need saving from?” My own sinful nature? That was bestowed upon me from…God? No, that’s from the enemy. The enemy that was created by…God? Well, God cast the enemy out for disobeying him. But let him maintain dominion over the earth and over our very being? Well…no, God is all powerful, he has ultimate control over the earth and our lives. But he allows the enemy to…test us? Yes! That’s it. God just wants to be sure we really love him. But…why? Doesn’t that seem cruel? And…narcissistic? Why am I being tested and punished for my own nature I had no say in attaining? I was just born and suddenly I have to resist my own nature to prove to a loving God, that made me in his own image (so wouldn’t he have the same nature?) that I love him? And I love him because he saved me…from what he would do (or allow to happen) to me if I didn’t love him? And round and round we go in circles trying to make it make sense.

Until I got tired of the merry go round and I accepted, it doesn’t make sense to me. And not only does it not make sense, it doesn’t feel right. I don’t love this God nor do I want to. It was a tough pill to swallow, but this God has all the characteristics of a narcissistic abuser. If someone you know purposely put you in harm’s way, rescued you from said harm, and then manipulated you into believing they’ve actually saved you while insisting you praise them for being so selfless and amazing, you would (hopefully) run as far as you can away from that person. Should we not hold the alleged loving creator of the universe to at least the same standard?

One year when I was about 19, my family went on a vacation to Disney World and there was a lot of rain forecasted for most of the trip. We were so bummed—my parents had planned and saved up for this and we really wanted a beautiful trip our first time in Disney World! So, armed with the belief that God cares about the little things, we prayed for him to clear the rain. And when the rain mostly cleared, that was all the proof we needed! God loves us and wants us to enjoy our (very privileged) trip in sunshine so much that he altered the weather patterns of the whole Earth. Truly, I believed this. I still can see this story being told charismatically from the pulpit and being met with applause and hallelujah’s, celebrating how deeply our God loves us and wants us to flourish. It wasn’t until many years later, when I began this journey, that I realized how self centered that is. That belief is not a reflection of how good God is, it’s a reflection of how much I value myself and my own life.

Because what about the farmers praying for that rain? What about the animals that depend upon that rain for their very survival? Or even if we’re thinking about smaller stakes, what about the person praying for a nice rainy day to sit at home and read? I had to admit that an answered prayer for me is ultimately an unanswered prayer for someone else. Even down to praying that my sick relative doesn’t die. Surely that could never be a bad thing to pray for. But what if they’re a registered organ donor and someone else out there is praying for the lungs said relative might have been able to give them and now they’re going to die? Now multiply that delicate little dance times eight billion. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t want your relative to live, or that it’s wrong to want sunshine for your outing, it’s to say implying a greater being is directly having a hand in your life is conflicting. God is managing all those conflicting wants and needs simultaneously, managing an epic war against evil, managing weather patterns and seismic activity, managing an entire universe filled with trillions of galaxies even. But, with all that power, he is putting (or allowing the placement of) heinous, selfish people in positions of comfort, wealth, and power that directly harm the lives of countless others. The innocent children being trafficked daily, the hardworking and innocent individuals suffering under slavery and oppressive rule, the devoted soldiers dying so that their rulers can attain even more disparate wealth and power, that’s just “a part of his plan” we can’t understand but must accept? And must accept happily, calling it reckless love? It’s certainly reckless, alright.

I really thought the idea that God just cared about the small things because he loved me so intimately was a beautiful idea (because it was sold to me as one), but now it repulses me. Simply, I call bullshit. He allows his “perfect” word to be manipulated, twisted, and used for massacre over and over again, but he cares who I have sex with? I. Call. Bullshit. The nail in the coffin for me was when I realized that even if it’s not bullshit, even if it’s all somehow true and I’ve got it all twisted, I could and would not put my faith in it. As I see it, the “good” news isn’t good. It’s control on a grand sale and on an individual scale, it’s the illusion of control.

Once that coffin was sealed, I began to find joy in questions that I once shied away from. Could it be that our nature isn’t sinful? That it’s simply…nature? I don’t say that to say that any inclination we have is therefore “good” because it’s our nature, either. I don’t think nature is “good” or “bad”, it simply is. We, as conscious beings, assign those labels in ways that benefit us. That’s why things that are “bad” can be “good” when necessary, or even when it’s for a greater good that outweighs the small bad. Theft is wrong, but when you steal food to feed your starving children, it’s good, or at the very least justifiable. Our nature isn’t inherently moral or immoral, it’s amoral—it operates outside the realm of our binary thinking.

People get sick and die and people live long, healthy lives. Hell, sometimes people who take care of themselves get sick and die and people who eat nothing but bacon and Dr. Pepper live long lives free of disease. People have boisterous personalities that foster leadership and people have quiet personalities that follow those leaders. People steal, cheat, and lie their way to the top and people achieve peace and prosperity through integrity and service. Forests burn and oceans churn. It is simply the way, and maybe the many things we take as divine intervention are really just manifestation/self fulfilling prophecy, a ripple effect, coincidence, or a little bit of all of the above. God didn’t bestow that dream job upon you because you prayed for it. When you prayed for it, you set your energy and intention upon it. You worked hard and behaved in a way that would earn you the connections, the influence, the capability to do it. You sought education that would qualify you and you impressed the people that could help you. I now fully believe that you create your life, and the more conscious you can get about every choice you make and step you take, the more vividly you do so.

Now, of course there are many other elements to both the Christian faith and a general belief in a higher power I analyzed and deconstructed in this journey. I looked at evolution vs. creation, I conducted a cost benefit analysis of the belief system on a macro and micro scale (i.e, the good vs. harm it causes to the masses and to myself), I considered the many other belief systems across the world and their implications as well as the very nature of the concept of ultimate truth. This isn’t a definitive “this is why this belief is right and that one is wrong”. This isn’t even a definitive “God doesn’t exist”, because frankly, that’s not the question. This is a small piece of my journey through a traditional faith into a broader belief that resonates with my soul and brings me peace and acceptance rather than shame and fear.

Christian faith taught me that my heart was wicked and could not be trusted, that any thought could be a trick from the enemy, creating a lack of identity and an inability to trust myself or anything at all really. My transformed belief that my small but vital role in this beautiful but terrifying, transformative but destructive, powerful but scary, light but dark, complex but simple world, is as a participant in this dichotomous nature rather than an observer of it, which allows me to actually connect to and value myself. Christian faith taught me that there was one answer, I had it, anyone else that disagreed didn’t, and it was my responsibility to show them they were wrong. It taught me that this answer set me free from the chains of my own nature. My transformed belief showed me that I was actually in chains to the idea that my nature needed to be resisted in the first place or that life is even a question to answer, never mind the responsibility of supplying answers for anyone else. It showed me I was weary of resisting and found peace in embracing.

I didn’t lose my faith, I transformed my beliefs. I no longer lay awake at night, trying to shut down the questions that scare me, afraid of the implications of my own faith. I lay awake at night (can’t shut this adhd brain off no matter what I believe) freely pondering the complexities of existence without fear of the answers, or further questions, that arise. Now, I cover up that Christ is my identity scripture tattoo with a blooming tree surrounded by butterflies. Actually, the butterflies were already there, and I wanted to keep and incorporate them because they represent my freedom and ability to completely transform, a meaning that holds even greater significance now. The tree represents my connection to a grand and cyclical nature and the abundance I find in that connection. I love that when you look close, you can still see the original tattoo. I can’t erase it, just like I can’t erase who I once was or what I once believed. Nor would I want to, because it was all apart of the journey. Condensing all of this into a few paragraphs makes it seem like it was a simple 1+1=2 process, but don’t think there wasn’t a concoction of tears, confusion, denial, deep sadness, grief, and fear along the way. It wasn’t fun or easy, this journey. I think the fact that this was the most painful tattoo I’ve gotten to date really fits that theme, too. But just like I love the end result, I am grateful for where I’ve ended up and am content to see where else I’ll go and who will come along.