My Story

Travis

GROWING UP IN THE CHURCH

I am a straight white male in the United States, always having lived in rural parts of New York state and Pennsylvania. I had very loving parents who happened to be Christian clergy; my father went to Cornell originally to become a veterinarian, but went to seminary after graduating and even ended up getting his Doctorate of Ministry (DMin) in later years. Naturally, I grew up in the church which happened to be protestant- United Methodist, specifically.

Being what I am (straight / white / male) I didn’t face any hardships or struggles within the church setting; I never found myself in situations where I wasn’t treated well. Let’s be honest: the system that exists was made for people like ME. I had a very positive experience growing up in the church with my two younger sisters. We moved a few times (since my parents were clergy), and I became more involved in activities at each church as I got older. I was involved with youth group, I was a good vocalist / guitarist and took part in leading worship in traditional and contemporary services. I had always been a Sunday School All-Star, and though I wasn’t ever involved in the Bible knowledge / memorization competitions that you’ll see down South (National Bible Bee etc.), I would say I had a very good knowledge of stories, figures, and concepts of the Bible from start to finish. I knew my stuff, and I knew where to find it in the books. Did I spend personal time reading the Bible? No. Did I believe that the Bible was the perfect and inerrant word of god? Absolutely. Did I think the Bible was “CLEAR” about what it said? Unfortunately yes, that is exactly what I thought; I had no motivation to question it. I was selected as the student speaker for graduation in high school, and OF COURSE I threw in the line about the importance of “my personal faith in Jesus Christ” that no one wanted to hear. Christians are so oppressed in this country, right? Gross.

GOING OUT INTO THE WORLD

After high school I went to an extremely Conservative Christian college in Pennsylvania and gradually transitioned to adulthood. Post-graduation I married my college girlfriend, got a job, and was active in my local Methodist church. I was involved in the typical ways- as a bandmember (guitar / vocals) in contemporary worship, taught Sunday School, led a handbell choir, went on mission trips… even did dramatic performances within worship services. I didn’t like doing the skits at the time; they wanted them in every service, and it got to the point that I told the creative coordinator that people didn’t necessarily want to see these every week (on top of me not wanting to do them). Before too long, my wife and I started a family and began raising our kids in the church. We were living the busy parent / working professional / church on weekends life that is typical for a lot of people my age where I live.

BEING A CHRISTIAN KID IN THE 80s & 90s

Since I grew up in the 80s and 90s, my childhood was dramatically affected by the Satanic Panic, Purity Culture, James Dobson-ish ideas about parenting, and End Times eschatology. There were plenty of random shows I wasn’t allowed to watch. I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans or shorts to school (public school thankfully), and my younger sister had to wear dresses or skirts. After school shootings like Columbine, it became believable that I was going to die for my faith at the hands of an anti-Christian figure associated somehow with the official Antichrist and their “one world government.” That was what I was told was coming; internally I had a lot of baggage that I didn’t fully comprehend. Part of me was sad because I didn’t think I was going to get to be an adult; I was going to die a violent death or be Raptured and never get to have a wife or family, the life I was culturally conditioned for. There was a continual fear of Hell, and I knew enough Biblical passages that seem to make “guaranteed salvation” dubious at best; I was deeply aware that I wasn’t risking my life to spread the gospel in some country that was hostile to Christianity, and I thought it was likely that I might be considered “lukewarm” and as a result cast into the infernal fires. In the back of my mind I constantly thought that I needed to get my spiritual life together (at least before dying), figure out why Christian pop culture made me instinctively cringe, and finally get around to doing dramatic salvation-achieving work for the kingdom of god.

THE CHRISTIAN HOME

In retrospect, I see the influence of James Dobson on my folks’ perspectives on parenting. Whether they read his books or not, both of them came from waspy religious families that were heavily involved in their respective churches. My dad’s parents were the choir director and organist in their small Appalachian town, and my mom’s parents were the head clergy in theirs. Both of my grandfathers had served in WW2, and the Great Depression had taught bitter lessons to their generation. My dad was a strong patriarch, my mom was submissive and practically non-existent as a person. Dad could be emotionally abusive at times, operating at extremes of either anger or happiness. Mom was easily lured into anything labeled “Christian,” especially if it gave her magical access to Jesus. OBVIOUSLY, Jesus was a white guy 2000 years ago, and OBVIOUSLY Christians need a lot of guns and ammunition to follow the core of Christ’s message.

The picture I paint of them is critical now, but considering what their childhoods were, I actually think they did right by me- as right as they could have. They taught me what they thought was best, and what they believed. I was loved. I was fed. I never experienced poverty. I was supported in every important way. At this point, our relationship is strained because of the misogynistic and spiritually narcissistic tendencies that dominate their personalities, and the fact that they are devoted Christian Nationalists and religious conspiracy theorists who refuse accountability in their relationships with anyone, very much including their adult children. As a kid, I took the lessons they taught me about Jesus seriously, and largely because of those lessons I’m struggling with how I should deal with the abusive, bigoted, phony people that they have revealed themselves to be today.

HILARIOUS AND CONCERNING BELIEFS & BEHAVIORS

I think one of the best things about emerging from this wacky worldview is being able to share the weirdness that came along with the package. Here are some gems from my family:

*Demons. They/re EVERYWHERE. Satan is out to GITCHA!

*Satanists are also EVERYWHERE, worshipping and sacrificing in the woods!

*My sister had nightmares when she was about 5, and my parents decided it HAD TO BE caused by a plush unicorn she got from some neighbors. They did some fire purification ritual to get rid of whatever spiritual contamination they thought was there.

*When I was about 11, all of a sudden nobody was allowed to celebrate Halloween. No pumpkins, no candy, no costumes, no Trick Or Treating. Jokes on them- they “OOPSED” and I ended up having a sister 9 years younger who was born right on October 31, and she successfully revived All-Hallows Eve celebrations in the house by the time she was in High School.

*My dad’s side had bizarre baseless stories beyond count. They would tell this story about Native Americans who had somehow caused flowers to grow on their property… the most wild story they came to believe was that there was some aunt in the ancestry who they decided was a witch, and who cursed all the women of the family going forward. It’s tragic and strange that despite believing Jesus / god to be all-powerful, they seemed to accept that nothing could be done about this curse.

*My family are Biblical literalists. They believe every word of the Bible is inerrant, perfect, and historically accurate. So, Genesis describes exactly how the Earth / universe was made, Adam and Eve were REAL people, and there is no question that there was a global flood 6,000ish years ago.

*Like many of the faithful, they have an unhealthy relationship to human sexuality. Growing up, I would regularly have to close my eyes during scenes in movies with anything risque, but I could watch brutal violence without anyone being concerned. When I was in 5th Grade, my dad gave me THE TALK. The funny and disturbing thing is, he lied about how human procreation works. I still don’t know why he lied. For years, I thought it was awkward and funny that he would do that, but as an adult raising my own children I’m angry at how irresponsible that was of him.

*My parents have become even more fundamentalist and charismatic since I left home; now they are speaking in tongues and doing their best to do Faith Healing. Weirdest thing; nobody ever seems to stay healed.

*Since the late 80s or early 90s, my mom has been part of a cultish Christian community in Massachusetts, sending money regularly and becoming a remote part of their organization. This cult group was the initial source of the previously mentioned witch / curse story. She goes on retreats several times a year where attendees pay to participate and work on the organization property. That’s right: paying to do unpaid labor to benefit a controlling religious organization. Sound familiar?

*Often, my family members would refuse to take agency in their own lives. Every thought and decision had them wringing their hands about what “god’s will” was, leading them to a kind of paralysis in personal decision making. Whatever did or didn’t eventually end up happening was what “god wanted.”  This god’s “will” was potentially revealed in every random moment of human interaction, every minute occurrence of observable fortune or misfortune. A supposed god of complete randomness and chance.

*I have an aunt on my dad’s side who moved out of state straight out of college; in recent years I found out she was / is secretly LGBTQIA+, very much self-hating. At a recent family Christmas celebration that I was not at, my parents tried to lead an exorcism on her, believing that she was possessed / being spiritually attacked. While everyone present was  getting louder and speaking in tongues, the family dog began barking; they believed that the dog could sense the evil in the room. Meanwhile, they’re all shouting and acting surprised when their dog joins in. My youngest (Halloween) sister who became an atheist years before me was there with the dog, quietly laughing at the ridiculous situation. Dogs will obviously bark when things seem crazy and people are agitated.

*Dad has any number of stories of the times he has encountered the supernatural, all in which he is heroically able to interact with and affect the agents of darkness. I don’t know to what degree he is “high on his own supply,” but let’s just say there are valid mental health concerns in our family.

*Since I was a kid, my mom would do Gregorian Chant (in line with the requirements of the cult community she was part of) at 3:00pm up in her bedroom. We’re protestant, but god obviously loves singing in Latin. If we were on a long car ride, she would do it in the car.

*My extended family on my Dad’s side will regularly send lengthy prayers via a text chain that includes everyone. Picture everyone in some charismatic church praying over someone like you’ve seen in videos online… but then imagine it’s happening on your phone, which is going off and draining your battery. You may have not realized that you can pray like this, but they do it. The jury is out on whether god honors SMS prayers at higher rates than standard prayers. I’m pretty sure that ALL CAPS probably helps things along.

*My parents are a perfect example of how effective the Conservative Christian political machine has been in brainwashing people in the United States. At this point, there is no separation in their religious / political ideology, absolutely no questioning when it comes to the leaders exploiting Christian culture for power and profit.

FACTORS THAT PRIMED ME FOR WAKING UP FROM FUNDAMENTALISM

It's funny; you can’t see it until you see it, and once you see it… you can’t unsee it.
Some random moment of contradiction and dissonance finally breaks through the intellectual shields of apologetics that you can’t ignore, and it triggers the process of coming to a new reality that was always waiting. I was a true believer from my earliest consciousness in childhood until about age 38. Honestly, I feel embarrassed that it took me that long to come around; I can be pretty thick-headed.

In the United States, specific political movements have been intentionally married to religion. In the 90s, my parents were absolutely INCENSED by the scandals surrounding Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. They were so angry and I heard about it constantly; obviously, the Republican party was the ONLY choice for Christians, and I was stuck identifying culturally as a Conservative Christian Republican automatically into my 20s. Still, I wasn’t actually interested in politics, and my personal philosophy was that I should vote for whoever I thought was a better person overall; I was more against governmental corruption than being emotionally tied to any kind of political ideology. This had nothing to do with my religious beliefs; I just didn’t think things were as black and white as my parents did. I also knew enough about U.S. (and global) history to see a clear need for the separation of church and state. I knew enough to understand the kind of evil that has been done “in the name of god,” and that the corrupt could abuse that justification for their cruelty.

I won’t be specific, but my job has always had me working with diverse groups of people.
Even though my college experience had been populated  by a homogenous collection of white privileged kids, as an adult I had meaningful contact with families from all around the world. I saw and learned a lot about reality in the United States and elsewhere. I was even fortunate enough to travel through many parts of Europe and see life outside the borders of what I had always known. My horizons were meaningfully broadened.

I had always been a good student; classroom learning came easily to me. I did well enough to earn scholarships for my test scores, including in areas like science. Though I had been taught that the Theory of Evolution was wrong, learning what it actually meant made me understand that it was true, and rather than reject it out of hand I came to believe that it was clearly just a process that god established within the natural world. I knew that Christians were wrong to be so opposed to the very idea of it, but history also showed religious leaders rejecting ideas like heliocentricity, and views eventually adjusted to the undeniable truth. Realizing these things, eventually I took a much more flexible view of the book of Genesis; Adam and Eve couldn’t be real, especially considering that it would only have been 6,000-11,000 years ago, when we have evidence for humans (and our solar system) going back much farther. Noah’s Ark couldn’t have actually happened; but I reasoned that it might have been based on a much more regionally limited account. The Bible started to show significant cracks, even if I allowed apologetics to fill them in temporarily.

There were other important factors that primed me for stepping away from fundamentalist conservative Christianity. Back in college, I had a close friend who came out to me as gay. It wasn’t a surprise to me, and I didn’t hate anyone for having that inclination. (Unfortunately, I still had the problematic “Hate the Sin, not the Sinner” philosophy) At the time, I felt conflicted because I thought “the Bible was clear” on the topic, but I also thought it was awful that god would intentionally make someone whose life and circumstances would lead to them becoming something that he would willingly condemn to eternal suffering in Hell. Still, I mentally justified it by reasoning that we all had our own sinful areas of struggle. At the same time, I couldn’t imagine having such a core part of my humanity (sexuality) being declared evil and something that couldn’t be fulfilled in my personal life. That someone who felt that way would have to choose between their very being and what they thought the will of a mostly silent deity was; I’ll admit it- I WAS GUILTY OF THE SIN OF EMPATHY! #sarcasm

Strangely, what didn’t impact me at all was a “desire to sin.” I didn’t have any desire to do anything that I thought was sinful or ungodly, despite what Christians seem to be comfortable assuming to preserve their “morally superior” worldview. To this day as an agnostic atheist, I’m just not out there finding ways to indulge myself in delicious sin.

THE BREAKING POINT: WHAT TIPPED IT FOR ME

Then came the 2016 election cycle: the political rise of Donald Trump. It’s pretty simple; here was a guy who embodied literally everything my parents had taught me not to be, and as you can guess, they went for him without much reservation. Ultimately, they became cult members. QAnon, Infowars… whatever Conservative media dropped into their brains through their Facebook feeds, they eventually accepted it without question. It remains so to this day. They don’t wear red hats or go to rallies as far as I’m aware, but they believe he is an agent of god who will make this country a Christian Nation, and that he is doing a good job. If you question them about it, you’re disrespecting them in a way that they equate to bullying. They have deluded themselves into thinking that all the Founding Fathers were fundamentalist Bible beaters, which is particularly disappointing; my Dad knows an awful lot of accurate history, and embracing this perspective is an intentional choice on his part. If he was ever capable of being honest, I know he knows better.

Seeing them (and American Christians as a whole) get suckered, I truly assumed that after the election the Holy Spirit would intervene before too long. In my mind, there was no way that Republicans would put up with Trump’s rampant and blatant corruption; I naively assumed he would run afoul of GOP moral pearl-clutching within months of his inauguration. Well, now we’re in 2025 and the world has been forced to watch the descent of the United States into authoritarianism. His relentless corruption is normal now. All the levels of government have been bent to his will. There is nothing that he could do that would offend the Christians who make up his base; human rights violations and scapegoating vulnerable minorities, being a convicted sexual predator, endless financial crimes- it doesn’t matter to them. The values they preach don’t matter at all to them; only power matters, and any excuse will cover whatever sin anyone accuses him of.

In this, Christians showed me that there was no Holy Spirit. My parents showed me that there is no Holy Spirit. I knew what was happening was anti-Christian and wrong by every metric, every standard that I had been taught. Evil was being done, and worse- it was being done in god’s name. This was the definition of taking the lord’s name in vain.

Seeing no active god and suspecting there wasn’t one, I was still deeply afraid of Hell; to even doubt at such a level was practically blasphemy. Still, I understood that I was approaching a crossroads. Reality was not what I had thought for so long, and I decided that if I suspected that the Bible might be false, if I asked the right questions, it would either reveal itself to be true or confirm that it was the same as every other world religion I automatically discounted as fiction. Before this point, I had assumed that every word of the Bible was god’s perfect truth; all I had to do was find one unignorable error to shatter that misconception permanently.

When I became open to seeing the flaws, contradictions, and errors, they poured out of the books. Living in the age of the internet, it was easy to find lists of issues within the scriptures. I did my best to log these in notes on my phone for future conversations, and there they continually grow. It’s hard to believe that I had missed so many obvious problems that I assumed weren’t there.

Two specific sections within the Bible that stood out as verses that disprove the reliable authenticity of the Bible for me at the beginning of the deconstruction process:
-GENESIS 1 & 2: Two separate and contradictory Creation accounts back-to-back in the Bible, undermining the entire story. If the beginning itself is flawed and disprovable, so is everything that follows. No long-term redemption story arc is necessary if you can prove that it’s fiction at the beginning.
-MATTHEW 16:28, 24:24, LUKE 21:32: All these verses indicate that Jesus told his followers that he would return to establish his kingdom within at least some of their lifetimes. People are still waiting for his return and kingdom today 2,000 years later, so Jesus’ words according to the Bible make belief in him unfounded and unsupportable.

I also began entertaining ideas from atheists; I started by reading Dawkins’ The God Delusion after finding a copy at my local library. The ideas there sent me solidly on my way; there were so many thoughts that answered questions that I hadn’t yet thought to ask. His sections on evolutionary biology explained things in such a way that for the first time I could see how the universe could come together as it clearly has. The origins of life had been a sticking point for me, but Dawkins helped me to realize that there are other logical ideas, and that regardless of what we assume, there are still mysteries and gray areas. Just shoving “GOD” into the equation as the answer to “Why?” doesn’t end up being a reasonable answer. If god, where did god come from?

I had been married to a fellow Christian essentially since college, and I was afraid of what this dawning realization would mean for us. We shared the same values and both looked with horror on the politics and cultural influence of Trump, but there was nothing that indicated that she was having significant doubts about the entirety of Christianity as a belief system. While my personal evolution created stress and some conflict, I realized that she had long held doubts about specific parts of the faith since childhood. She’s smarter than me, and saw many of the cracks intuitively, especially when it came to the obvious misogyny and disgusting oppressive patriarchal views the Bible espouses. Like so many Christians, she had cherrypicked parts she liked from the religion and its scriptures and rejected other aspects wholesale. Even today, I think she still holds to the psychological comforts that the idea of a loving, omnipotent, and personal god provides, but intellectually understands that it isn’t based in any kind of measurable reality- especially when you look at what Christians are doing in this world in response to (or cooperation with) evil. For her, remaining culturally Christian is important to being a part of her family identity with her parents, and I can understand and support that. We continue to figure out the balance of what we’re both comfortable with discussing, but we are in a positive place.

WHAT HAS HELPED IN THE PROCESS OF BECOMING A GODLESS HEATHEN

When I began the process of deconstruction, I was a fully committed Christian who was trying to understand how my fellow believers (like my parents) couldn’t see what I considered blatant evil. In that time, I was extremely conflicted and angry; my world felt like it had been turned upside down. When I finally found the motivation to look beyond my beliefs for the truth, suddenly the picture became clearer. I didn’t feel like I was going crazy anymore- I didn’t feel like I was alone, the only one who could see how crazy things were. Things finally made sense. Clarity.

Breaking the fear of Hell was a process; I really had to logically coach myself out of it. For me, the most helpful thing overall has been trying to learn about how these beliefs evolved over time; I have a desire to understand how and why the tenets of this faith developed in conjunction with the events in surrounding cultures. Realizing that our concept of Satan, demons, and Hell are creative fictions that arose in stages with totally human origins… that was so freeing. That mystics, storytellers, and artists throughout history have added to the mythology, and it isn’t based on the consistent messaging of an existent and holy divine being. Hell and eternal punishment developed out of a human desire for accountability to reach the powerful and wealthy oppressors that plague mankind in each generation.

In all ways, it helps me to learn more about how Jewish and Christian beliefs changed over time and established themselves. I try to become educated on the theological and apologetic arguments that used to persuade me, take note of the passages that conflict with one another, and learn about how the Biblical documents themselves have been interpreted differently or even altered in translation.  I no longer believe, and I want to be able to understand and explain that conclusion as fully as possible whenever conversations might take place.

Today I feel free. I feel like I have a healthier and more realistic perspective on the world around me. I think I take my responsibilities more seriously, to do what I can to be an agent of positive change. There are relationships that I’ve made painful choices about, and that still hurts. I’ve been able to keep most of my friendships regardless of their status as believers or nonbelievers. I appreciate the beauty of life, the many fascinating questions that still exist and will always be there. There is mystery. Without a god, we can still be in awe of what is.

Like many who have left beliefs behind, I think we struggle feeling that there isn’t as much a sense of community like we had in the church. The message I keep reading is that atheists need to create that somehow, and I occasionally brainstorm what that might be with likeminded people. For now, I try to keep meaningful relationships with authentic people and look for opportunities to be a part of community events. I’m not someone who needs a large social circle, and I value the people I’m closest to. In the age of the internet and social media, it has been extremely affirming to connect with people who have been through similar experiences with religion; there are so many who can relate to our stories. I have not yet begun therapy, but I’m aware that’s going to be crucial in becoming a healthier person without a fictional god justifying the choices that have been made by myself and my family  throughout my life. We can connect with each other, look out for each other, and be committed to a more truthful reality. The world is changing, and we must do our best to build a better future however we can.